Thursday, May 12, 2016

Rants: Queasy

Lately, I've been having this uneasy feeling which I want to be rid off ASAP! There's this thought deep in my mind which I'm not sure what it is but what I know is that it's toxic and it's the main cause to this unholy feeling. It's almost a perfect mixture of guilt, jealousy, worry and angst and if these 4 feelings are villains, the world as we know it must've been buried under ashes by now. THAT BAD.

How I wish I could just blurt it out online, but you know how big of a jinx that could be. If anything could be faster than a bolt of lightning, it would be the spread of a gossip. But this is eating me up! 'Cause the one person I would rather talk to about it, unfortunately, is the girl I feel guilty for. Fan-flipping-tastic!

The thing is, what I did was reckless and hasty, driven by the impatience of wanting to know an answer for a question that I've been dying to ask. So whatever I did back there might just ruin a budding friendship just because I wasn't careful enough with my mouth and my unstable feelings. Everyone knows these two aren't the best of combos! Goodness, how dumb.

So for some reason now, I feel like the girl knows, but refuses to make it obvious (but I feel like it is (or maybe not idk)). Though I feel the tension, and the tiny but SIGNIFICANT distance between us now just kills. I mean, I thought this friendship could turn out to be a decent one, at least. But by the looks of it, slim chance. HEH.

I don't know what I should do next. Do I just confess the crime I did and then continue with my confrontation about this other related topic, or do I just act as if nothing happened until everyone forgets or do I move to North Pole, the only place that feels as cold as the cruelty of the world??

Okay I'm done. It's just another pointless rant so goodnight.


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Lucky

I would like to consider myself a lucky girl today, at exactly 2.20 am in the morning. By what I just said, clearly I don't think I'm lucky quite that often and well, there's no reason why I should anyway. Well, to start with, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth nor did I win a lottery ticket, so yeah, no reason whatsoever... IF we only care about the bigger picture. But life as it is, is more than that. Why don't we zoom in a bit on my life, or rather, what I've been thinking of tonight.

I couldn't go a day without having conversations with this doofus I call my boyfriend because we only live like an ocean apart from each other and meet once or twice every time I come home, so I guess it's quite understandable why we talk on the daily. Eventhough it sounds like a bore -- I mean, what the hell do we talk about everyday right?? -- but news from him, is vital, I tell you. Considering this, our topics might just be the same ones on repeat and surely, our conversations will end up flat and boring at some point. But it's something about how we connect with each other that keeps me waiting for his texts everyday. His approach, the way he talks to me, they create this feeling that goes beyond my expectations. Apart from giving me butterflies every time he sends me a picture of him in his glasses or the way he teasingly coos me, makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. And not just because he is mine and I am his, but he is also capable of taking my mind wander through different aspects of life which I will automatically feel positive about.

I'll be honest, I'm not pious. I tend to forget my roots and the real reason why I'm still breathing; God. But as the mortal I am, like I said, I tend to forget. So this positivity Fahmi brings me is capable of reminding me of these things I should always be thankful of, so until I am more stable and independent in this sense, Fahmi is doing a wonderful job helping me keeping it alive. That being said, his presence in my life is also something I deeply treasure. It's insane how much positivity he can bring me! This wonderful feeling.... it doesn't come on a daily basis of course, but often enough to have me appreciate life a little bit more than before and up to this point, I am truly content -- though slightly tortured by architecture -- I am happy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Upset

It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Eid Mubarak '15, Day 1

I don't know how to describe what my first day of raya this year feels like, but it's definitely not 'fun'. Only one of my six aunts and uncles came back to Kelantan for raya, while the rest celebrates the joyous day in different realms of Malaysia tercinta. 

Pagi raya was nothing epic, just a small celebration amongst the small number of family members that were present including my cousins and grandparents. Starting with donning new raya attires, we then celebrated our raya with bersalam salaman and a little brunch of nasi dagang before some of us leaves for the mosque to execute raya prayers. Soon after, people started visiting us. That sounds fun yeah? Chatting with relatives that I haven't seen for so long, check out what's new with them and such... sounds promising. But unfortunately for me, those were just 'expectations'. Small talk with them was totally out of the question. They come and go but the only interesting topic I can ever discuss with them is about my soon-to-be university. "Study mana nanti?" "Sarawak" "Goodluck ya nanti" and that's the end of it. Was it me? Was it them? Is this just an excuse? I'm not even sure but somehow, when the moment came, no one seemed to be interested in starting a conversation, even me, sadly. Plus, they were too occupied talking about family issues that requires me to stay away from, so I didn't get the chance to butt into their conversations for long. Devastated I was. And to make it more upsetting, out of all the guests that exits the door of our threshold, only one of them had an angpau of duit raya to offer :') But it's okay, I understand (not) so meh. So this went on and on until I had no choice but to replenish my energy with a nap, that was interrupted midway with more people in the living room. Kill me already. But.. as long as I have my cousin slash sister I never had by my side (and maybe also my phone) everything was bearable. 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day and also my turn to add dirty plates in other people's sinks for them to wash *evil grin*

The ultimate question... what was fun about today? Well, to be completely honest, the only activity that was close to being entertaining to me is... you guessed it, the raya pictures *shrugs*. Yeah, life as a narcissist. What else is better than taking 371937 shots of yourself in the same pose right? And that, is my first day of raya in 2015. 


Datin for an hour before I was drenched in sweat and dish water. Eww, I know.




The sisters.


And that one sister I can actually tolerate with




That sister I never had





And that annoying cousin I wish to slap real hard 


 
Now both of the cousins in one frame 



Selamat hari raya aidilfitri maaf zahir dan batin to all muslims out there! May your hari raya is as joyous as it should be.

With love, 
Gadis.