Monday, June 5, 2017

Ayah

In remembrance of a loving father. 

It's your birthday today and you would be just 41 this year, dad! It's that month again where we would get the same ol' chocolate indulgence cake that you like so much and KFC or sparkling juice to make it a little more fancy. It would be joyous, as always. A small dinner to celebrate us getting older and wiser, right ayah?  But then, time stopped for you seven years ago. We haven't been celebrating your birthday together for seven years now. Seven. And then it's going to become eight and then nine, ten and so on and then one day, it's gonna be 13 or 14 years since the last time I saw you. You know, the saddest moment in my life to date would be the day you passed, but in 7 years to come, around August, sorrows would indulge me once again. Probably worse that time because then I would have lived longer without you than I have lived with. I would have spent most of my time having someone else take your place and not you. It hurts. It really really cuts that deep. I still have so much to learn from you. You still haven't taught me the tricks of being in a relationship, or what to do when I get my heart broken, or at least watch me struggle with architecture. You'd bawl into tears seeing me getting thrown in Sarawak and I probably would've asked for engineering tips if you were still here. Well, if only. So now that you're not with me, someone else is doing your job for you, especially the scolding part...... but the one thing that he will never ever do is love me the way you did. Again, this hurts me in ways I could not explain.

I know I can't see you again until it's my turn to answer His call, but for now, I just want to be closer to you, to be back to the place they laid you down in peace. Ayah, Marha nak balik. 

I miss you, Ayah. 
Selamat Hari Jadi,


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Something About Patience, Gratitude and a Little Bit of Everything.




Preface: Very rarely – albeit terribly – I write. It’s not inspirational, it’s not touchy-feely, and it’s not important or at least I don’t intend them to be. This is just another pointless thing I sometimes do, to keep track, like an archive of feelings, so I could look back to this to remind me what I have forgotten.

Here is to patience or also known by its other name; Fahmi. For some odd reason, he's the only person who has made me write – more than once – solely about him and this to me is bizarre, which is totally an understatement. That being said, here's a fact about me I thought I should let everybody know; I write to express only visceral emotions. Meaning, I really... d o n’t   w  r i te   th a t   m u ch...  So I guess my point is that Fahmi is the ultimate factor why I’m actually writing uh, whatever this is, because he has shown me the ability to feel not just the typical emotions but also those that are not talked about as often as they should have been– I think. And what will that be? Gratitude. Think about it. We always talk about how happy it is to love or to be loved, and if it’s not happiness, then we talk about sadness, or maybe confusion, like, when you don't know if what you feel is love or not. But do we talk about how grateful we are to have such a pure person to love and be loved by? No. Right?

Okay so let’s say we do talk about that as often as the other feelings. So what? It’s still not a write up about Fahmi. Because this one, it’s about him.

You see, Fahmi’s not exactly the typical guy I usually date, which in this context means, noisy, playful, super friendly and charming ala bad boy (bhahahaha). To simplify, most of them are probably my dude twin or something (minus charming ala bad boy). So if they’re me, then they would have the same problem as I do, and that is anger issueeeeeesssss. Not that I’m proud of it, but that’s a very significant trait that I sadly own because I don’t just have a bad temper, but I’m also impatient and way too hasty in making decisions when I’m mad. I think you could already guess why most of my previous relationships didn’t work out. Yep, it’s all thanks to our hot-headedness and ego as high as the Himalayas. Have you ever come across this one post on Twitter or maybe Tumblr? That says something like “A perfect match would eventually burn out”? That’s how I feel they were. The number of exes piled up after a while and I wanted to stop loving the same kind of people but I just can’t because I keep on getting attracted to the same kind of people (:

Until…

 I had this one fling during that 9 months break after SPM (which I was convinced that if I got married immediately after my exams, I would already gave birth to a baby by the time I enroll in college) with this guy who to my surprise, claims to be an architecture student… in Seri Iskandar. That’s too bad because I got accepted in a local university all the way in the East of Malaysia. Anyhow, I was attracted to him because I thought he had the Marha’s new boyfriend starter pack when I first knew him but then I realized that he didn’t. It kinda took me awhile to realize this, but when I finally did, I liked him even more. With Fahmi, I sort of think that we’re really taking it slow even though I’ve been with him for over a year now. I’m still trying to take in all the differences that we both have. It’s odd at first, but you know how a yin yang works right? That’s how it is with us (Allahu, cheesy gila). I knew that he was the mellow kind of guy who always have his shit under control but it’s not after our first huuuuge fight-- that almost led to a break up (obviously because of me) -- did he prove to me that he is indeed, a very patient person. And not just that, he’s not hot headed, and his ego is surprisingly tolerable. You have no idea how many times I screwed up, putting this relationship on the edge, with him still believing in me. Though I have to be honest, sometimes, because of our differences, it feels like our relationship is not going the right way.

For those who know me very well, to them I would be the person with the lamest jokes evurrr but my ex boyfriends laughed at them anyway. Not Fahmi though. One day when I brought him to meet my best friend, the 3 of us witnessed this rare phenomenon where I shamelessly pull out a lame-ass joke followed by Fahmi saying “You tak lawak doh you”. And you know what my friend said? “Yep, he’s the one. I like him”. MY FRIENDS NEVER SAY THAT TO ANY OF MY EXES CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? Although a tad bit annoyed at first, but what my friend said had totally countered all the annoyance. But at times, I do feel a bit sad that he doesn’t favour my genre of jokes. It made me feel as though maybe he couldn’t understand me.

We discussed about it, initially to make me stop feeling so disappointed about it, but the truth is, it kept me thinking even more about our differences and I could list a lot of things that we don’t see eye to eye on. It gets sadder from that point on but only I could feel it. That’s mainly because things were going too slow for me while the pace is just the way he prefers it. And just recently, I screwed up, yet again. It happened because I was trying to get over my fears that had a lot to do with these differences I have mentioned, but it backfired really quickly, pushing the whole situation, together with our relationship, in the danger zone. I tried to deny and lie to myself that it’s just a mistake I could overlook but the guilt was overwhelming and it ate me up from the inside out, encouraging me to just be honest with him or I’ll probably live an unhappy life forever or even die, yknow? And so I did—be honest, I mean. Like any other confessions of the sins we have done, this one was difficult too. I braved through it and right after I was done talking, my heart broke the moment his heart was, as if two glasses shattered in sync.

I think he blurted a handful of mean things out of frustration (he’s human too you know. He’s allowed) but I’m surprised that he didn’t dump me right there and then, what with me always fucking things up over such useless excuses. He, to my surprise, only took around 10 minutes to wrap up the whole situation and told me “Please, don’t do it again”. And I, finally realizing how stupid I had been, was left speechless as if paying tribute to the gratitude I feel right in that moment. Though despite that all, we were still terrified of what we’re gonna face in the future after another wall of trust has been breached. We've talked about that of course and he told me that he’s not gonna be able to continue this alone. I had to reciprocate or else it’s not gonna work. I thought I had been reciprocating but I was proved otherwise­­ – duh. Well, here’s something I remember clearly of him saying from that conversation; “Anggap lah perjalanan kita masih jauh”. A very strong concept for a relationship bound for marriage, yeah? The phrase kind of made a big impact on me and it reminded me of a saying that goes, “If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together”. Does this make sense…? Anyhow, it backs up the reason why he’s been taking things really slowly before ‘cause y’know, he’s just… patient. He’s just taking it slow because we’re not chasing anything. We’re planning to be with each other until I die first or he dies first anyway, so what.. is.. the.. hurry?

I’m slowly trying to grasp the whole concept of our relationship moving at a baby-like pace now so that we don’t lose our momentum midway and whatnot, while learning about the value of relationships with Fahmi. The biggest thing he taught me was how to accept our differences because in time, we’re gonna see how they would complement each other. And also thanks to his patience, he saved us again and he helped me open my eyes to the fact that we’re not broken. We just have to compromise and relax while we’re at it because hey, something good having is always worth waiting for.

Hmm, it’s kinda funny though—and really embarrassing, not to mention— after I thought about all this. I need more than two hands to help me count the relationships I had before him, yet Fahmi, who had only one ex-girlfriend knows better on what it takes to handle a relationship. If there is any greater feeling I have for my boyfriend than love right now, it would be gratitude, gratitude, gratitude for his patience, his existence, oh, everything! The initial thought that inspired me to write about Fahmi was kind of silly, by the way. After that fight we had, I found out that he had a lot of girls crushing on him but he was unnerved because he knew what he wanted and he wouldn’t trade me for the world (at least that’s what he said and I am inclined to believe every single word hahaha) and that’s when it hits me. If patience was not his strongest trait, he would’ve probably left me to hook up with random girls after knowing that I’m not worth fighting for and I would be soaked in misery, regretting something that is too late to mourn over because of my own recklessness.

At first I believed that I didn’t deserve him. I thought I was a disappointment to him because to me, Fahmi is just simply beautiful, wonderful inside out and he has a faith so pure that it makes me cry. But when he didn’t turn his back on me like I thought he would, it is safe to say that reality has finally become better than expectations. He still believed in me and accepts my imperfections despite it all. He stayed. And for that, I am forever, forever grateful.

Lots of love, Marha.

P/s: Ya Allah berapa kali ulang dah benda sama just to emphasize my point lol. Harap faham. Awek tengah emo ni.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Lucky

I would like to consider myself a lucky girl today, at exactly 2.20 am in the morning. By what I just said, clearly I don't think I'm lucky quite that often and well, there's no reason why I should anyway. Well, to start with, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth nor did I win a lottery ticket, so yeah, no reason whatsoever... IF we only care about the bigger picture. But life as it is, is more than that. Why don't we zoom in a bit on my life, or rather, what I've been thinking of tonight.

I couldn't go a day without having conversations with this doofus I call my boyfriend because we only live like an ocean apart from each other and meet once or twice every time I come home, so I guess it's quite understandable why we talk on the daily. Eventhough it sounds like a bore -- I mean, what the hell do we talk about everyday right?? -- but news from him, is vital, I tell you. Considering this, our topics might just be the same ones on repeat and surely, our conversations will end up flat and boring at some point. But it's something about how we connect with each other that keeps me waiting for his texts everyday. His approach, the way he talks to me, they create this feeling that goes beyond my expectations. Apart from giving me butterflies every time he sends me a picture of him in his glasses or the way he teasingly coos me, makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. And not just because he is mine and I am his, but he is also capable of taking my mind wander through different aspects of life which I will automatically feel positive about.

I'll be honest, I'm not pious. I tend to forget my roots and the real reason why I'm still breathing; God. But as the mortal I am, like I said, I tend to forget. So this positivity Fahmi brings me is capable of reminding me of these things I should always be thankful of, so until I am more stable and independent in this sense, Fahmi is doing a wonderful job helping me keeping it alive. That being said, his presence in my life is also something I deeply treasure. It's insane how much positivity he can bring me! This wonderful feeling.... it doesn't come on a daily basis of course, but often enough to have me appreciate life a little bit more than before and up to this point, I am truly content -- though slightly tortured by architecture -- I am happy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Upset

It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”