Anger is what I feel, anger is what I want to channel and anger is what I want to show. But the fact that I'm a big girl and I should hide what I feel, that made me even angrier at the world, at everybody. And the recent events in my life is not exactly helping me recover as well. I knew I had anger issues but I never thought it would get worse over time. After 7 years, shouldn't it at least die down a little bit.

At times like this, isn't it you who's supposed to be here? Isn't vulnerability leads to honesty? Don't you want me to be honest, point blank? Don't you want me to see my ego crumble into ruins? Don't you want to witness me at my weakest? Don't you want to know what I've been keeping to myself? If I have reckless thoughts? If I'm coping with it well? I thought you loved me.

By tomorrow, my ego could be back. And that's not all that is coming back, my anger will too, my insecurities, my fears, my problems, everything. And my ego will protect it because I'm supposed to be a big girl, to hide feelings away from everyone, including you. But I guess, that is what you want because you're exactly like that.

This is what's supposed to make us stronger. To witness the bad and the ugly and bracing through it, that will bond us. But we're going to sleep tonight angry and sad while tomorrow is promising another ignorant day. The saddest thing about this is that knowing we are never going to truly know each other despite the fact that we are bounded by blood. The saddest, because we will know each others flaws, front and back, but will never know how to handle them, ever. As families, -- wait. are we really a family?

Ayah

In remembrance of a loving father. 

It's your birthday today and you would be just 41 this year. It's that month again where we would get the same Secret Recipe chocolate indulgence cake that you like so much and KFC or sparkling juice to make it a little more fancy. It would be joyous, as always. A small dinner to celebrate us getting older and wiser, right?  But then, time stopped for you seven years ago. We haven't been celebrating your birthday together for seven years now. Seven. And then it's going to become eight and then nine, ten and so on and then one day, it's gonna be 13 or 14 years since the last time I saw you. You know, the saddest moment in my life to date would be the day you passed, but in 7 years to come, around August, sorrows would indulge me once again. Probably worse that time because then I would have lived longer without you than I have lived with. I would have spent most of my time having someone else take your place and not you. It hurts. It really really cuts that deep. I still have so much to learn from you. You still haven't taught me the tricks of being in a relationship, or what to do when I get my heart broken, or at least watch me struggle with architecture. You'd bawl into tears seeing me getting thrown in Sarawak and I probably would've asked for engineering tips if you were still here. Well, if only. So now that you're not with me, someone else is doing your job for you, especially the scolding part...... but the one thing that he will never ever do is love me the way you did. Again, this hurts me in ways I could not explain.

I know I can't see you again until it's my turn to answer His call, but for now, I just want to be closer to you, to be back to the place they laid you down in peace. Ayah, Marha nak balik. 

I miss you. 

Selamat Hari Jadi

Upset

It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

Eid Mubarak '15, Day 1

I don't know how to describe what my first day of raya this year feels like, but it's definitely not 'fun'. Only one of my six aunts and uncles came back to Kelantan for raya, while the rest celebrates the joyous day in different realms of Malaysia tercinta. 

Pagi raya was nothing epic, just a small celebration amongst the small number of family members that were present including my cousins and grandparents. Starting with donning new raya attires, we then celebrated our raya with bersalam salaman and a little brunch of nasi dagang before some of us leaves for the mosque to execute raya prayers. Soon after, people started visiting us. That sounds fun yeah? Chatting with relatives that I haven't seen for so long, check out what's new with them and such... sounds promising. But unfortunately for me, those were just 'expectations'. Small talk with them was totally out of the question. They come and go but the only interesting topic I can ever discuss with them is about my soon-to-be university. "Study mana nanti?" "Sarawak" "Goodluck ya nanti" and that's the end of it. Was it me? Was it them? Is this just an excuse? I'm not even sure but somehow, when the moment came, no one seemed to be interested in starting a conversation, even me, sadly. Plus, they were too occupied talking about family issues that requires me to stay away from, so I didn't get the chance to butt into their conversations for long. Devastated I was. And to make it more upsetting, out of all the guests that exits the door of our threshold, only one of them had an angpau of duit raya to offer :') But it's okay, I understand (not) so meh. So this went on and on until I had no choice but to replenish my energy with a nap, that was interrupted midway with more people in the living room. Kill me already. But.. as long as I have my cousin slash sister I never had by my side (and maybe also my phone) everything was bearable. 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day and also my turn to add dirty plates in other people's sinks for them to wash *evil grin*

The ultimate question... what was fun about today? Well, to be completely honest, the only activity that was close to being entertaining to me is... you guessed it, the raya pictures *shrugs*. Yeah, life as a narcissist. What else is better than taking 371937 shots of yourself in the same pose right? And that, is my first day of raya in 2015. 

Datin for an hour before I was drenched in sweat and dish water. Eww, I know.

And that one sister I can actually tolerate with

With love, 

Gadis.