Anger is what I feel, anger is what I want to channel and anger is what I want to show. But the fact that I'm a big girl and I should hide what I feel, that made me even angrier at the world, at everybody. And the recent events in my life is not exactly helping me recover as well. I knew I had anger issues but I never thought it would get worse over time. After 7 years, shouldn't it at least die down a little bit.

At times like this, isn't it you who's supposed to be here? Isn't vulnerability leads to honesty? Don't you want me to be honest, point blank? Don't you want me to see my ego crumble into ruins? Don't you want to witness me at my weakest? Don't you want to know what I've been keeping to myself? If I have reckless thoughts? If I'm coping with it well? I thought you loved me.

By tomorrow, my ego could be back. And that's not all that is coming back, my anger will too, my insecurities, my fears, my problems, everything. And my ego will protect it because I'm supposed to be a big girl, to hide feelings away from everyone, including you. But I guess, that is what you want because you're exactly like that.

This is what's supposed to make us stronger. To witness the bad and the ugly and bracing through it, that will bond us. But we're going to sleep tonight angry and sad while tomorrow is promising another ignorant day. The saddest thing about this is that knowing we are never going to truly know each other despite the fact that we are bounded by blood. The saddest, because we will know each others flaws, front and back, but will never know how to handle them, ever. As families, -- wait. are we really a family?

Ayah

In remembrance of a loving father. 

It's your birthday today and you would be just 41 this year. It's that month again where we would get the same Secret Recipe chocolate indulgence cake that you like so much and KFC or sparkling juice to make it a little more fancy. It would be joyous, as always. A small dinner to celebrate us getting older and wiser, right?  But then, time stopped for you seven years ago. We haven't been celebrating your birthday together for seven years now. Seven. And then it's going to become eight and then nine, ten and so on and then one day, it's gonna be 13 or 14 years since the last time I saw you. You know, the saddest moment in my life to date would be the day you passed, but in 7 years to come, around August, sorrows would indulge me once again. Probably worse that time because then I would have lived longer without you than I have lived with. I would have spent most of my time having someone else take your place and not you. It hurts. It really really cuts that deep. I still have so much to learn from you. You still haven't taught me the tricks of being in a relationship, or what to do when I get my heart broken, or at least watch me struggle with architecture. You'd bawl into tears seeing me getting thrown in Sarawak and I probably would've asked for engineering tips if you were still here. Well, if only. So now that you're not with me, someone else is doing your job for you, especially the scolding part...... but the one thing that he will never ever do is love me the way you did. Again, this hurts me in ways I could not explain.

I know I can't see you again until it's my turn to answer His call, but for now, I just want to be closer to you, to be back to the place they laid you down in peace. Ayah, Marha nak balik. 

I miss you. 

Selamat Hari Jadi

Upset

It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

Eid Mubarak '15, Day 1

I don't know how to describe what my first day of raya this year feels like, but it's definitely not 'fun'. Only one of my six aunts and uncles came back to Kelantan for raya, while the rest celebrates the joyous day in different realms of Malaysia tercinta. 

Pagi raya was nothing epic, just a small celebration amongst the small number of family members that were present including my cousins and grandparents. Starting with donning new raya attires, we then celebrated our raya with bersalam salaman and a little brunch of nasi dagang before some of us leaves for the mosque to execute raya prayers. Soon after, people started visiting us. That sounds fun yeah? Chatting with relatives that I haven't seen for so long, check out what's new with them and such... sounds promising. But unfortunately for me, those were just 'expectations'. Small talk with them was totally out of the question. They come and go but the only interesting topic I can ever discuss with them is about my soon-to-be university. "Study mana nanti?" "Sarawak" "Goodluck ya nanti" and that's the end of it. Was it me? Was it them? Is this just an excuse? I'm not even sure but somehow, when the moment came, no one seemed to be interested in starting a conversation, even me, sadly. Plus, they were too occupied talking about family issues that requires me to stay away from, so I didn't get the chance to butt into their conversations for long. Devastated I was. And to make it more upsetting, out of all the guests that exits the door of our threshold, only one of them had an angpau of duit raya to offer :') But it's okay, I understand (not) so meh. So this went on and on until I had no choice but to replenish my energy with a nap, that was interrupted midway with more people in the living room. Kill me already. But.. as long as I have my cousin slash sister I never had by my side (and maybe also my phone) everything was bearable. 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day and also my turn to add dirty plates in other people's sinks for them to wash *evil grin*

The ultimate question... what was fun about today? Well, to be completely honest, the only activity that was close to being entertaining to me is... you guessed it, the raya pictures *shrugs*. Yeah, life as a narcissist. What else is better than taking 371937 shots of yourself in the same pose right? And that, is my first day of raya in 2015. 

Datin for an hour before I was drenched in sweat and dish water. Eww, I know.

And that one sister I can actually tolerate with

With love, 

Gadis.

Of Boredom, I suffer

I don't wanna rot alone, so I decided to post facts about myself and bore you guys as well.

• My full name is Marha Irdina Binti Izzuddin
• I was born on 14th June 1997 (day/month/date)
• I am an American citizen by birth but am also a Malaysian because my parents are from here and I've lived in Malaysia for as long as I remember) and this makes me feel torn because I have to choose my permanent citizenship when I turn 18. 
• My star sign is Gemini 
• My parents are scary
• I have 10 siblings (if you have them!) and they're also quite scary
• I am currently at school / university / college or I currently work at 
• What I like about my school / job is my math teacher, my clique (lah sangat) and the loitering kittens at 6.15 am every day
• What I dislike about my school / job is pretty much everything that defines 'school'
• I am saving up because my parents are not really fond of buying me stuffs..
• My home is in KL (place) and I have lived here for 4 years and a half (years)
• My friends are (names and descriptions)

1. Alysha (cousin, my legit 'BFF')
2. Azlina (personal counselor)
3. Khaleeda (funny as fuck)
4. Hakim (horny all the time)
5. Amin (I wanna punch his face) 
6. Nik (fatso)
7. Nadiah (sinetron actress)
8. Izza (naturally hilarious)
9. Sarah (Izza's bestfriend, have nuclear bomb launch codes in her head)
10. Nadia Emira (braceface and gorgeous)

• I love people who can keep a conversation interesting (take risks / tell funny stories, etc.)
• My favorite activity/activities include travelling alone (to nearby places) and I love to do this because it makes me feel independent and some places appear to be more scenic when I'm by myself.
• My favorite color is aquamarine because it reminds me of the shallow end of the sea.
• I love to say babylon and my most over-used saying is probably 'because' and 'fuck' (sorry)
• My favorite meal involves rice (because I'm so Asian) and my favorite snack food is home-made egg sandwiches YUM
• I consider myself to be a bit of both (healthy/unhealthy) and fitness is/is not sort of important to me. This is due to factors such as my big love handles and flat ass.
• Changes to my lifestyle I would like to make include having a better stamina and stop procrastinating.
• I am a total klutz, reckless and everything unholy (clean/messy/organized/chaotic)
• I lose/don't lose things all the time, I CAN'T EVEN
• I don't need to change anything about my life or lifestyle because that's a lie. I DO. Desperately, even.
• The person who supports me the most is my boyfriend and in my life he has helped me to not be so depressed 24/7 although he often becomes the cause of my hair-tugging nights..
• The best time of the day to me is way after midnight because that's the time where I couldn't care less about the problems in my life bcs I'm deep in my sleep.
• I like (sunrise/sunset) the most because I sleep till the sun is above my head is why
• I need to have food every day. duh
• I hope to hear Michael Buble singing in my ears as I go to sleep (music/bands/a phrase/poetry/a speaker)
• I want to see my ex get donkey kicked by Chuck Norris (films/shows/flowers/nature, etc.)
• I am frightened by loneliness (snakes/cockroaches/bills/the dark) and this makes me a wimp
• My favorite movie of all time is Love Actually
• My greatest inspiration is uh....
• My all-time role model is UHHHHH because UMMM (no, honestly, I don't think I have one)
• I would like to be like Emma Watson because she's an awesome example of Beauty and Brains.

MY PAST 

• When I was little I remember that I watched South Park in someone's apartment (one of my earliest memories)
• I felt mostly happy (happy/sad or other emotions)
• My childhood was generally (positive/negative, etc.) and this is because I didn't have a phone or a tab back then lol
• My family is uhmmm (amazing/crazy/sad/wonderful/split up. etc.) and this is because ..... *sighs
• The good times I remember were sushi dinners with my family before our movie starts (when my dad was still here) 
• The hard times I can remember include the day my father died, and the day my mom remarried
• I find / always found school to be depressing (easy/difficult/fun, etc.) and this is because I often feel isolated by the people who I thought were my "friends"
• The best teacher I ever had was Miss Nina because he/she gave me Powerpuff girls stickers on my spelling book all the time and that made me realize that Powerpuff Girls stickers are motivational
• The worst teacher I ever had was Encik Salleh because he/she practically whispers when he teaches and I can't hear a thing because I sit in the back of the classroom like waaaay back and that made me realize that I'm not a Vulcan
• The music I like to listen to is Indie / Alternative because it sounds like pop candy in the form of music and makes me feel very hipster
• I grew up thinking that love is not something that lasts forever
• I changed in 2010
• The first concert event I ever went to was _____ (band/event) at the _____ (place) and I went with _____
• I found the experience of being in a large crowd to be scary and sort of fun at the same time? (description)
• The best holiday I ever had was two years ago when I went to Perhentian Island with my family and we went snorkelling (it was my first time and it was amazing) (description)
• The best thing anyone has ever said to me is "Ya Allah, lawanya" by Fazura (yes, the Malaysian actress). I couldn't get over it for a week.
• The worst thing anyone has ever said to me is "Marha nampak makin chubby" 
• What no one has ever told me is that they can't live without me
• My first crush on someone was Firdaus Burhanuddin because he liked me first (HAHAHA) and it happened when I was 10 
• The first time someone had a crush on me was in 2007 and it felt so weird to be honest because "A BOY LIKES ME WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO NOW" and it turned out to be well, nothing because he moved the next year
• In the past I have been hurt by my ex (emotionally) when I was 15/16 because I gave too much of my love to someone who deserved none.
• In the past I have hurt my other ex when I was 13 because I felt as if he was controlling my life and I feel displeased about it
• My most successful day was when I scored a 'Turkey' at bowling
• I received recognition when I became an athlete during primary, became the new girl in my current school when I was 13, and when I sang 'You Can Count On Me' in front of everyone (graduated/won a prize/got a job/moved out, etc.)
• I am proud that I still have a clean wrist even after years of being mildly depressed. 
• I look back at my life and I feel that things have changed so fast over time because it felt like it was yesterday when I was still very innocent.
• The greatest lesson I learned was not to trust ANYONE and I learned it when I got lied to and lied.
• The wisest thing anyone ever told me was "Kalau ada jodoh takkan ke mana" HAHA and it helped me to get over a break up and move on.
• The first time I was scared was when .... shit, I don't remember.
• The last time I went out was last week.
• The highlight of my school years was when I.... don't even know
• The greatest risk I ever took was when I sneaked out to help a friend find my cousin's house in bloody Shah Alam.
• The best result I ever got was when I was 15. 
• The worst thing that ever happened to me was when I lost the trust of my late father. And apparently my mom too now
• The peak experience of my teen years was ... can't believe I'm saying this, but when I rebelled and sneaked out.
• The craziest thing that ever happened to me was something I did last year. Don't ask me what it was. please
• The funniest thing that ever happened to me was forgetting the lyrics to the song I was supposed to sing at my kindergarten concert. I was already on the stage.
• The last thing I purchased was a bracelet.

The List

I've always wanted to travel. It's a passion I've had for a very long time but  never got the chance to live the dream. But one day, when I could just pack and leave for the journey, I want to be ready. I want a list of all the places I wanna go (doesn't necessarily have to be somewhere far. Some park I've never been to counts too) so I could keep track and not miss a single destination.

With spunky baby steps, I'll start with my country, Malaysia:

• Kuala Gandah
• Kundasang
• Taman Negara, Pahang
• The Chilling Falls
• Bukit Fraser
• Amcorp Mall's Flee Market

The real deal:

• Havasupai Falls, Arizona
• Alaska
• Iceland
• Venice
• Greece

The list doesn't end here. It will be updated.

Why I Believe A Smoke-free Environment Is Good For Everyone

     Ever wondered why people keep telling us "Do Not Smoke" and why there are numerous posters and billboards propped up everywhere to encourage us to quit smoking or not smoke at all? That's because an estimated 5 million people die around the world each year by causes related to smoking, according to Harvard University. Around one-third of those deaths are caused by stroke and heart disease. The chemicals in a regular cigarette is so harmful that even the smoke released by it can affect the health of both smokers and second-hand smokers. Logically, this could be effectively prevented if each and every one of us say “NO” to smoking so the environment is smoke-free and healthier for us to live in. 

     Even though some people say that a smoke-free environment will make no difference whatsoever, I strongly believe that it will and it is good as well as beneficial for everyone. As we all know, smoking affects us in various aspects of our health such as physically, psychologically and socially.

     When smoking, the percentage of oxygen that is delivered to your organs are low while carbon monoxide replaces the remaining percentage, causing the lactic acid build up to increase hence, making exercising even more painful for you. Furthermore, you will be four times as likely as non-smokers to report feeling unrested after a night's sleep, according to Johns Hopkins' study. The largest organ in a human body; your skin, will also be affected. It will wrinkle much easier and you will look 1.4 years older than non-smokers, on average. It's because smoking hampers the blood supply that keeps skin tissue looking supple and healthy. 

     So, I believe that if smokers quit smoking and non-smokers continue saying "No" to cigarettes, I am 100% sure that problems concerning our physical health could be put to a stop. Plus, everyone will be happier with their tip-top physical health and their restored beauty. Once you are addicted to nicotine, it would be very difficult for you to quit smoking as the withdrawal symptoms are quite excruciating. Nicotine can make you feel irritated, stressed and sometimes depressed. These are normal but if it happens in a long term, it will definitely affect your health negatively. 

     When the environment is smoke-free, imagine how optimistic everyone will be without feeling constantly irritated and depressed. Due to this, smokers tend to feel isolated. Therefore, I am sure that when we start living in a smoke-free environment, everyone will start socializing comfortably with each other while indirectly creating a happier community. I truly believe that a smoke-free environment is good for everyone because why would we want to risk our lives as well as inflict ourselves financially for something that gives such brief pleasure? We don’t gain any benefits from smoking instead, we suffer from it. Countless health benefits could be gained by practicing a lifestyle without smoking and nothing is as priceless as good health. Say “No” to cigarettes and quit while you can. Together, we can create a smoke-free environment and a lifestyle of choice.

Bodacious

Bodacious by marha14 featuring black jewelry

Kaftan Kraze

Kaftan Kraze by marha14 featuring black home decor

Red is sexy and vice versa

Red is sexy and vice versa by marha14 featuring a red lace dress

Home-bound

Home-bound by marha14 featuring a square container