Being A Teen

What being a teenager is from the point of view of my 10 year old self:

• Curves
• Instant beauty after puberty
• Silly crushes on boys
• More duit raya
• Loaded with $$ 
• Girls night out with your BFFs every weekend
• Boobs that could actually fit a real bra
• Dress fashionably (now that the chest got bigger)

and the list goes on...

I was exposed to this kind of mindset when it comes to teens. I see them walking around malls with high heels on, going shopping, looking attractive and turning heads, it made me wish for time to go faster and 

make me like them. I wanted to grow up. I don't want to be treated like a child anymore. No more scheduled evening naps, no more looking like an ugly plank, no more mockeries regarding my ugly kiddy face and no more "Duduk rumah je. You're still young" phrase from your parents.

Well now I'm already in the shoes of a legit 17 year old and guess what? I hate it and I wish I was 10 again with the scheduled evening naps. Instead of happily ticking away the things I listed up there, I am now scowling at every single one of them.

Curves? You don't get it as easy as that. You have to actually work for it. Well, for most of us at least. Some lucky girls though, get their curvy body figure by genes but even so, to maintain that shape is not very easy. From what you eat to what kind of workout you're practicing, it all counts. No pain, no gain.

Instant beauty after puberty? BULL. If you're born with natural beauty, lucky you. If you know how to play around with cosmetics and fashion, kudos to you too. But how about  us who are plain looking and have zero idea on how to put an eyeliner on? What's our luck? Sure, there will be a few changes here and there once you've reached puberty, but that's it. Skin problems still happens, acne comes around once in a week, your lips gets chapped all the time and how is this fun to be a teenage girl again?

Silly crushes on cute boys sound fun huh? Did anybody warned you about what will happen if you get hooked to a person and your happiness becomes dependent? I bet not. There will be a time in our teenage years where you fall for someone. Sometimes they fall back for you, sometimes they don't. Painful if it's the second one, I swear.

Now let's say you got yourself into a relationship. Yeah, you'll be happy if it works out well. But do you really think it's happy all the way? And how sure are you that the relationship will stay strong forever? You're bound to get hurt once in awhile whether you like it or not. Worse if you're already attached to that person who wounded you. Are you really up for the make ups and the break ups?

More duit raya means more cash? Hypothesis rejected! In my family, the older you get, the lesser money you'll receive. Even if you are loaded with the help of savings and allowances, do you know how an average teenager spends? It's like pipe water. Money. Gone. In a blink of an eye.

Girls night out with your BFFs every weekend? No way especially if you have strict parents who got you on the end of their leash. "Duduk rumah je. You're still young" is still on repeat even at this age, my love.

Boobs that can actually fit a real bra? Wey I'm still flat. I still can't wear a lot of girl clothing because of my chest that resembles a nice varnished piece of plank. Yeah, I wish I had more chest to fill my cup. Although ironically, the girls who are naturally busty, begs for smaller ones! Because according to them, almost everything they wear will make them look bigger in size thanks to the bust. Girls and dilemmas; inseparable. Oh that's one more thing about being a teen! THE DRAMAS. Don't get me started on that, though.

Dress fashionably? This might not be a problem to most girls except for me. I have quite an expensive taste in fashion so yeah, unaffordable. Not to mention the flat body figure that I sadly own. Meh.

So all in all, being a teen is not as easy as it looks like. Don't get me wrong, you're not going to be shitface depressed throughout your whole teenage years. You'll have your moments. The happy, the sad and the bittersweet. I'm just saying that it's not gonna turn out to be the life your 10 year old self was expecting. It's way harder than it seems and you got to learn how to deal with it.

Best of luck.

∞

“See you’ve memorized

The outline of your body

You know

Every crease,

Every edge, 

Every mark, 

Every curve

That you have

And right now

No one can tell you

That your big toe 

Is slightly bigger 

Than the toe next to it

Or how the smile you have

When you’re happy

Is different than the one

When you’re sad 

But one day

You’ll meet someone

Who has memorized 

Your body inside and out

They will be able to 

Paint you with their eyes closed

The best part about it is 

He’s going to love every inch of you

And he’s going to make you love yourself even more”

Dad.

Circa 2010.

Exhausted, I skipped off my bus and headed home in a fast-paced walk. The sun was blazing hot, my forehead was starting to bead with sweat and I am nothing but eager to reach home fast so I could cool down and have a nice simple lunch with my dad. As I reached the gates to my house, I heard a distant thumping from inside. Like the bass of a very loud music. Without skipping a beat, I opened the gates and sprinted to the front door so I could see what's going on inside. True enough, 'Pump It' by The Black Eyed Peas was blasting on the stereo somewhere inside.

At the hallway, I slowed down and slumped my bag at a corner next to the piano and went deeper inside the house, towards the living room. I walked slowly, then I stopped. 

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

It has to be one of the most funniest, happiest, and the most heart-breaking scene that I've ever seen in my life.

It was my dad, dancing awkwardly to the beat as his moves are limited due to the effects of the medical treatment he recently received. He was diagnosed with Leukemia a few years back and it has worsened over the years and has reached to a point where his body parts are partially swollen and his joints could barely move. But that day, he tried to dance anyway because in his head, he thought, why stop dancing when you know you won't live long enough to dance again? I laughed but my eyes were already glimmering with tears but I held that in, careful not to ruin the moment for him. Instead of tearing up, I decided to join him. But little did I know that that dance was our last. Together, we chest pumped, did a stiff wave and sang the afternoon away, trying to forget the illness that has latched onto him and also our happiness. 

Dad, I miss you.

I love you.

Al-Fatihah.

Judgemental Arseholes are not welcome.

When a girl (usually the pretty ones) complain about their appearance or whine about how ugly they are, people who are especially judgemental will label them 'attention seekers' or 'compliment fishers' without even hesitating. Yeah, maybe they're right, she might be fishing for flattering compliments, but then again MAYBE she actually does find herself ugly.

I have been called fat, black, ugly, boyish and so on, and these critics on my appearance affected my opinion about myself and my confidence A LOT and I am in fact, still inflicted by them. I've been called names so many times before, that the idea of me being ugly is planted and has bloomed in my head and that being, whatever image I see in the mirror now will never be good enough. I think most girls can relate to this.

However, as I grow up, compliments do come around from time to time, but even if they are genuine, it's still quite difficult for me to believe them because I will always reminisce the days where people used to torment me and gave me fake compliments. Regardless of what they say, I keep refusing them because how I see myself is deeply affected by the negativity people have fed me once. No matter how hard they try  to convince me, it still won't change the perspective I have for myself and that's basically when I get labeled 'attention seeker'. 

Sometimes, I'd lose my temper and send someone off just because they gave me a compliment, especially when I'm not at my best. It kinda makes me a jerk to do so but to me, it's really frustrating to hear people say what I have come to believe as untrue about me (even if they actually are) and expecting me to buy it.  This could be frustrating for the other party for getting ticked off even when they had good intentions but I'm just so full of doubt to give a positive response, alright? To be honest, my reluctance to accept positivity frustrates me just as much and trust me, I'm working on it :/

Long story short, I have trust issues.

Although occasionally, I do accept the nice things people say to me and get boosts of confidence afterwards but they're only ephemeral. It never actually lasts.

Social stigma is also one of the reasons why I feel like cupping my ears and run away while screaming when I hear "Hey, you're pretty" from someone, yknow? Because some fucked up people really live up to the term "judgemental assholes". 

"You're so beautiful!"

"Oh thank you! *smiles"

This is being perasan.

"You're so beautiful!"

"Nahh, I'm not lah"

This is attention seeking.

You think I'm exaggerating? NO. Mental people who judge like this do exist.

So lately, whenever someone says something about a girl being an attention seeker just because she denied a compliment, I'd automatically feel defensive over her (not that I'd stand up for her to take a punch or anything. I'm too much of a pussy to commit such bravery but I rebel inside like I always do..) because we don't know what she's gone through in the past. I can get very sensitive and overwhelmed when this happens because I know too well how it feels to be insecure. It's not fair for us to simply get labeled just because we disagree to believe how people see us no matter if we really are pretty or not (no narcissism is intended here). We're not fishing for compliments, we're just very hard to crack. If I could explain to you why it is how it is, I'd already do that but it seems like I can't because I don't know how to and even if I tried, no one would be able to understand. 

So if she doesn't want to take the compliment, then let her be and try to understand. If you wanna keep on convincing her that she's beautiful then go on because it's nicer that way but even if you don't want to, just shut your glob because labeling her names is completely unnecessary and super mean. Senang cerita, don't judge people too quickly. Thanks.