Wednesday, August 19, 2015


It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Eid Mubarak '15, Day 1

I don't know how to describe what my first day of raya this year feels like, but it's definitely not 'fun'. Only one of my six aunts and uncles came back to Kelantan for raya, while the rest celebrates the joyous day in different realms of Malaysia tercinta. 

Pagi raya was nothing epic, just a small celebration amongst the small number of family members that were present including my cousins and grandparents. Starting with donning new raya attires, we then celebrated our raya with bersalam salaman and a little brunch of nasi dagang before some of us leaves for the mosque to execute raya prayers. Soon after, people started visiting us. That sounds fun yeah? Chatting with relatives that I haven't seen for so long, check out what's new with them and such... sounds promising. But unfortunately for me, those were just 'expectations'. Small talk with them was totally out of the question. They come and go but the only interesting topic I can ever discuss with them is about my soon-to-be university. "Study mana nanti?" "Sarawak" "Goodluck ya nanti" and that's the end of it. Was it me? Was it them? Is this just an excuse? I'm not even sure but somehow, when the moment came, no one seemed to be interested in starting a conversation, even me, sadly. Plus, they were too occupied talking about family issues that requires me to stay away from, so I didn't get the chance to butt into their conversations for long. Devastated I was. And to make it more upsetting, out of all the guests that exits the door of our threshold, only one of them had an angpau of duit raya to offer :') But it's okay, I understand (not) so meh. So this went on and on until I had no choice but to replenish my energy with a nap, that was interrupted midway with more people in the living room. Kill me already. But.. as long as I have my cousin slash sister I never had by my side (and maybe also my phone) everything was bearable. 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day and also my turn to add dirty plates in other people's sinks for them to wash *evil grin*

The ultimate question... what was fun about today? Well, to be completely honest, the only activity that was close to being entertaining to me is... you guessed it, the raya pictures *shrugs*. Yeah, life as a narcissist. What else is better than taking 371937 shots of yourself in the same pose right? And that, is my first day of raya in 2015. 

Datin for an hour before I was drenched in sweat and dish water. Eww, I know.

And that one sister I can actually tolerate with

With love,