Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Upset

It is true that once upon a time, I was out of control. It is true that I chose to change into someone better. Unfortunately, it is true that what I am today is not that much a difference from what I was. But what is also true – the truth that no one seemed to take notice – is the fact that there is still a little gap of change that separates what was then and what is now.

Somewhere along the line of life, I've been told facts and truths about the mistakes I've made and consequently burns my chest with what everyone must be familiar of; regret. Someone must have cared about me – and it's good to think that they do – to be honest enough to point out the flaws in me and I noticed that they were also silently telling me to change. A plead I chose not to listen to because this is something only I can control. Despite this all and having more than one person to spectate what I do with my life, I never did it for them. I did try to change, and still am, but I'm doing it for me.

To change was a choice only I can make and I expect them to understand that it's a slow process. Surely, everyone knows that. But all of a sudden, it's not about me anymore. In fact, it came out as a shock to me how some people are actually unforgiving when I can't achieve a goal of their expectations in the amount of time they secretly set. With that, you added a hidden burden on my back. For someone who had helped me build the confidence I need to turn my life around, how could you be the one who causes it to crumble again?

Now because of that, I get misunderstood just because I didn't change from a caterpillar to a butterfly skipping the crucial process of changing into a cocoon first. That frustration when I am always misunderstood and accused for doing things far from my purest intentions is making me tremble. I was thrown into a spot where you hurl stones of condemnation and doubt straight to my face. Am I that bad of a person that no one thinks I am capable of change? Am I really that lost that my confession to start over is a laughing stock? Is it so embarrassing, disgusting, a total disgrace, that I am just another human being?

For now, I am genuinely upset to witness how someone who gave me so much hope to change, turns into someone who now believes that whatever strings I am trying to pull is going to be hopeless. And what is more upsetting is that I am starting to believe that too.

Updated: I realised, even if anyone leaves me during my struggle to find a better turning point, I shouldn't be upset. After all, it was me who decided to change. By hook or by crook, with or without you, I am going to change. For me.

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Eid Mubarak '15, Day 1

I don't know how to describe what my first day of raya this year feels like, but it's definitely not 'fun'. Only one of my six aunts and uncles came back to Kelantan for raya, while the rest celebrates the joyous day in different realms of Malaysia tercinta. 

Pagi raya was nothing epic, just a small celebration amongst the small number of family members that were present including my cousins and grandparents. Starting with donning new raya attires, we then celebrated our raya with bersalam salaman and a little brunch of nasi dagang before some of us leaves for the mosque to execute raya prayers. Soon after, people started visiting us. That sounds fun yeah? Chatting with relatives that I haven't seen for so long, check out what's new with them and such... sounds promising. But unfortunately for me, those were just 'expectations'. Small talk with them was totally out of the question. They come and go but the only interesting topic I can ever discuss with them is about my soon-to-be university. "Study mana nanti?" "Sarawak" "Goodluck ya nanti" and that's the end of it. Was it me? Was it them? Is this just an excuse? I'm not even sure but somehow, when the moment came, no one seemed to be interested in starting a conversation, even me, sadly. Plus, they were too occupied talking about family issues that requires me to stay away from, so I didn't get the chance to butt into their conversations for long. Devastated I was. And to make it more upsetting, out of all the guests that exits the door of our threshold, only one of them had an angpau of duit raya to offer :') But it's okay, I understand (not) so meh. So this went on and on until I had no choice but to replenish my energy with a nap, that was interrupted midway with more people in the living room. Kill me already. But.. as long as I have my cousin slash sister I never had by my side (and maybe also my phone) everything was bearable. 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day and also my turn to add dirty plates in other people's sinks for them to wash *evil grin*

The ultimate question... what was fun about today? Well, to be completely honest, the only activity that was close to being entertaining to me is... you guessed it, the raya pictures *shrugs*. Yeah, life as a narcissist. What else is better than taking 371937 shots of yourself in the same pose right? And that, is my first day of raya in 2015. 


Datin for an hour before I was drenched in sweat and dish water. Eww, I know.




The sisters.


And that one sister I can actually tolerate with




That sister I never had





And that annoying cousin I wish to slap real hard 


 
Now both of the cousins in one frame 



Selamat hari raya aidilfitri maaf zahir dan batin to all muslims out there! May your hari raya is as joyous as it should be.

With love, 
Gadis.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Airbnb: Perfect website for all you wanderlusts out there.

ARE YOU A WANDERLUST?!
I'll give you 10 seconds to answer me. Any later than that will mean that you are!
1.. 2.. 10! Time's up!
Yes, you're a wanderlust then. Keep on reading.

 So just like me, one of your dreams, life goals, bucketlist or whatever, is to travel. Unfortunately in my case, getting to travel to other countries is still just a mere wish that I often daydream about on a regular basis. I come from an average family which does not spend money lavishly on holidays so we usually keep our travels just around Malaysia, nowhere further. My mom always tell me that if I want to travel far away from home, it should be because I deserve it and is based on my hard work so that I'll appreciate my trip more. That is true. It's still kinda sad and a bit heart shattering to know that it'll take me years to achieve my goals but hey, I found something to glue back my fragile little heart as well as prepare myself for a journey that is bound to happen one day, InsyaAllah.

Here it is, the website I want to share with all of my fellow readers (as if I have any) that will put you on the edge of your seat, planning your trips probably years before you get to pack your bags and 'go', while chanting praises for the creator of, JENG JENG JENG.... https://www.airbnb.com/ !!



OH THE MOST WONDERFUL, MOST AMAZING WEBSITE EVER CREATED NEEDED FOR ALL TRAVELLERS OUT THERE!
lol I'm so overreacting.

However, this website is not for hotel-lovers. Why? Because they only display homes, apartments and rooms for vacation rentals in over 190 countries all over the world! How amazing is that?! And if you don't want to burn a hole in your pocket but still want to stay in a beautiful home away from home, this is the website for you (perfect for backpack travellers!). Using the provided filter to sort out your price range, room types, etc., finding a nice place that is within your budget is never easier. Of course, these comfortable homes must be owned by someone and most reviews on most of the vacation rentals listed on Airbnb have amazing positive feedbacks on the owner of these homes. So I think contacting hosts will be the least of my worries when I use Airbnb in the future. Hm, I'm starting to think that everything about this website is fuzzy and warm inside out.

Oh and what's great about this "www" is that you can rent unique places too, like barns, caravans, even castles! Tell me that's not cool!

I can't wait to use this website before I step into foreign countries one day. Can't, CAN'T wait.
Go ahead guys, explore this website and make use of it to plan your future trips and save a heck load of your moolah.

P/s: Check the Airbnb community for more insights on how travelling with Airbnb works. They have videos of Airbnb users that have hosted travellers before and they never fail to give me goosebumps whenever I watch 'em. There are also posts from travellers sharing stories of how their holidays went when using Airbnb services so you'll know what to expect when it's your turn to travel. Warning! These vids and posts will also make you tak sabar to go travelling and meet new people!