Thursday, May 12, 2016

Rants: Queasy

Lately, I've been having this uneasy feeling which I want to be rid off ASAP! There's this thought deep in my mind which I'm not sure what it is but what I know is that it's toxic and it's the main cause to this unholy feeling. It's almost a perfect mixture of guilt, jealousy, worry and angst and if these 4 feelings are villains, the world as we know it must've been buried under ashes by now. THAT BAD.

How I wish I could just blurt it out online, but you know how big of a jinx that could be. If anything could be faster than a bolt of lightning, it would be the spread of a gossip. But this is eating me up! 'Cause the one person I would rather talk to about it, unfortunately, is the girl I feel guilty for. Fan-flipping-tastic!

The thing is, what I did was reckless and hasty, driven by the impatience of wanting to know an answer for a question that I've been dying to ask. So whatever I did back there might just ruin a budding friendship just because I wasn't careful enough with my mouth and my unstable feelings. Everyone knows these two aren't the best of combos! Goodness, how dumb.

So for some reason now, I feel like the girl knows, but refuses to make it obvious (but I feel like it is (or maybe not idk)). Though I feel the tension, and the tiny but SIGNIFICANT distance between us now just kills. I mean, I thought this friendship could turn out to be a decent one, at least. But by the looks of it, slim chance. HEH.

I don't know what I should do next. Do I just confess the crime I did and then continue with my confrontation about this other related topic, or do I just act as if nothing happened until everyone forgets or do I move to North Pole, the only place that feels as cold as the cruelty of the world??

Okay I'm done. It's just another pointless rant so goodnight.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016


I would like to consider myself a lucky girl today, at exactly 2.20 am in the morning. By what I just said, clearly I don't think I'm lucky quite that often and well, there's no reason why I should anyway. Well, to start with, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth nor did I win a lottery ticket, so yeah, no reason whatsoever... IF we only care about the bigger picture. But life as it is, is more than that. Why don't we zoom in a bit on my life, or rather, what I've been thinking of tonight.

I couldn't go a day without having conversations with this doofus I call my boyfriend because we only live like an ocean apart from each other and meet once or twice every time I come home, so I guess it's quite understandable why we talk on the daily. Eventhough it sounds like a bore -- I mean, what the hell do we talk about everyday right?? -- but news from him, is vital, I tell you. Considering this, our topics might just be the same ones on repeat and surely, our conversations will end up flat and boring at some point. But it's something about how we connect with each other that keeps me waiting for his texts everyday. His approach, the way he talks to me, they create this feeling that goes beyond my expectations. Apart from giving me butterflies every time he sends me a picture of him in his glasses or the way he teasingly coos me, makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. And not just because he is mine and I am his, but he is also capable of taking my mind wander through different aspects of life which I will automatically feel positive about.

I'll be honest, I'm not pious. I tend to forget my roots and the real reason why I'm still breathing; God. But as the mortal I am, like I said, I tend to forget. So this positivity Fahmi brings me is capable of reminding me of these things I should always be thankful of, so until I am more stable and independent in this sense, Fahmi is doing a wonderful job helping me keeping it alive. That being said, his presence in my life is also something I deeply treasure. It's insane how much positivity he can bring me! This wonderful feeling.... it doesn't come on a daily basis of course, but often enough to have me appreciate life a little bit more than before and up to this point, I am truly content -- though slightly tortured by architecture -- I am happy.